Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
