Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
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