Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
being pregnant is like rehab
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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