I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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