Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
