I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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