I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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