i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.