the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.