Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.