and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
These 17 People Made Horrible Decisions That Ruined Their Lives
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.