i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
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