Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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