Your face is a jimmy john
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
