The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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