Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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