You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch