I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
