Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
