What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
