i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
