Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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