Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i barfeds in our rink
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I pour the whiskey from now on
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
