Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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