It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
