Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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