Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
