We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
