if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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