I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
