One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
