Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
