I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
