eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
