I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i wish my penis had a tongue
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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