I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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