I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
