I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
