my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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