Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
