I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
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It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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