I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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