when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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