I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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