My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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