I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
