I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
