It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
