i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
