I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
