Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
