There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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