it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
