I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
He kissed a someone with a penis
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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