Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
