my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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