i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
