Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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