I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
