I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
