There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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