You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
