Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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