At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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